HA-GraceW

Hi my name is Grace. I am in Year 7 at Hawkesdale P12 college.I am 12 years old!! turning 13 soon!!

My favourite colour is: Blue and pink My favourite food is: Uumm probably pancakes!! My favourite AFL team is: I am from New Zealand so rugby my favourite team is Hurricans and All Blacks!! My hobbies: Horse back riding, playing with my animals and hanging out with friends!! My pets: I have 4 dogs and I am getting a new horse soon!! I have a older brother and older sister so I am the youngest!!! I LOVE animals I like sport I also like working on the farm with my dad and shopping with my sister!!! I lived in New zealend for around 10 yrs then moved to Western Australia for just under a year now Ilive in Victoria!! I cant wait to talk to you guys!!

I thought I would put my story on so you guys could read it!!

One Summer

When we got there Laura was pretty much crying so we gave her a hug and said good bye then the bus pulled up and we gave our bags to the man he loaded them in the bus and we hoped on the bus and as the bus slowly drove away we waved to Laura. **
 * Dear Dairy **
 * I am going to Camp Lake side!! It is by a HUGE lake and we can go kayaking and go swimming and do lots off fun stuff!! Ella and I are going she like my bff!! **
 * Got to go I’ll write later!! **
 * So I went down stairs and asked mum what time I was going to camp lake side and she said “In about 2 hours!!” So I ran up stairs and thought that I better start packing!! “Ok I am going for to weeks and I’ll need lots of clothes” “God Bella stop talking to you”. So I carried on packing I packed lots of towels and bathers and pants and shirts and some jumpers and pjs and mum was checking on me every two seconds!! **
 * “ELLA” I said running up Ella’s drive way she came running out with a big bag and sleeping bag. “This is going to be the best camp ever!!” I said. “Yes i can’t wait”. All the way to camp lake side Ella and I where talking and singing and listening to music!! **
 * Once we got to camp Lake side we where shocked. Mum had already left and Ella and I had just walked round the corner and all we saw was dirt, dusty, broken old shacks. We couldn’t believe our eyes it was a total tip!! So we went up to the office where a nice looking lady was sitting at a desk and was doing LOTS of paper work!! So I said “Uumm we are here for the summer holidays were our cabin?” hoping she would say oohh down the road “Uumm ill check” after a few clicks of the keyboard she said “That one right there”. So we went into the cruddy, old, dusty cabin and saw three dusty bunks. So we went in and try to make our self at home. **
 * The next day we woke up and got ready for a fun filled day when the lady come in with a girl the looked like she was 23!! Bot she was only 12!! So we introduced ourself and we all went to the lake. On the way there we got to know each other, but once we got there we had realised the lake was a drop of water!! There may have been one litre off water if you’re lucky!! So we decided to go for a walk along the trails that it said in the pan flit. **
 * So we headed of after the worst lunch I have EVER had I was looking forward to getting out of there but Laura the new girl had to get her other shoes on so Ella and waited out on the track. **
 * So once Laura came we started to walk and we thought we go to the look out!! Once we were there I was SO angry because the look out was of a meat factory. We saw live she cows go in and beef patties come out. I couldn’t handle it and we left! I was so sad so was Ella so that night we snuck in to town on a bike that was made out of tin cans and caught the late bus home! **
 * Mum was surprise to see us and we will NEVER ever go back to camp lake side again!! **
 * One good thing came out of this though I made a new friend Laura and write to each other and are going to visit her in May!! **
 * May **
 * Ella and I hoped on a bus and we went up to a funny little place called “Busselton”. Once we got there we saw Laura waiting at the bus stop. We went and gave her a hug and then started walking to her house. **
 * We turned down a rough road where all the houses where messy broken and dirty. I thought please say she doesn’t live here it will be like a repeat of camp!! But we turned down a road it was short road well actually a lane!! We came to the end of the road I thought that either she lived in a palace or in the bush!! We went up the drive way of the palace to find a reasonable __little__ house she said “This is my home” I thought okay I suppose it’s alright. So she showed us inside and we went through the tinniest room you wouldn’t have ever seen such a tiny room. It was the kitchen I couldn’t believe our kitchen was probably ten times as big!! **
 * We went through the lounge it was crammed up with two plastic chairs and a little T.V. We then went through her mums room expecting to see a bed but no it was a mattress I think on the ground. I was scared not knowing what was in Laura’s bedroom. We went through the door way and saw three mattress and three sleeping bags rolled out nicely for us to sleep in. Surprisingly her room was better than all the other rooms. But our house still looked and felt lie a machine prepared to there house!! **
 * So we settled in and we had a sandwich for lunch and I thought why do they live be hind a huge flash house?? So why was there’s such a dump?? So I thought I’ll ask because I could see Ella thinking I bet she was thinking the same thing. **
 * “Hey Laura why do you live behind such a nice house??” “Well my mum works in that house she cooks and cleans there!!” “That’s cool” Ella said. So the day past Laura showed us around and then we went to bed her mum was still not home so maybe tomorrow!! **
 * I couldn’t sleep so I stayed awake and thought about how we go home tomorrow night. Finally I fell asleep in the morning I woke up Laura had gone but not Ella so I nudged Ella she woke up so we went out to the kitchen her mum had made pancakes so we introduced ourselves and we just chatted till she had to go to work. Laura wasn’t back yet. So we decided to get changed and pack our bags. **
 * About an hour later when we had finished packing Laura came back. We said “Where did you go?” “Oohh I thought I told you every morning I go out and do two paper runs just to help mum out”. So that day we went out and went up town and she showed us around it was fun we went shopping and visited Laura’s best friend. **
 * Then we got home and we thought that we better start walking to the bus station. So we walk down there we could see Laura was getting sadder every step.
 * We had a nice time with Laura it was interesting to see where she lived **

Edited by Merel Summerhill BFIS 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I just read the story and I don't see the problem, I don't see what the plot is. The main character and her best friend go to a Lake only it is a really bad place and they are never going back, but they met a friend, and are going to visit her in May. Then they visit her they see how she lives and that is it. You have to put in a problem, maybe something happens when they are visiting Laura, something suspicious, think of ideas.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

There aren't any problems that the characters face. There is no suspense, tension, or interest. 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? I do understand what sort of characters are in this story, and think you did a good job with that part. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? I could imagine all the places, for example the lake with only a drop of water, and the look out being over a meat factory was very good described, good details. It did help me see and experience the story. Also, I could imagine Laura's house behind a mansion.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? What you have so far is good, but now you need to add more for there to be a problem/plot. Once there is a problem/plot, then it's a real story. Also you need to check your grammar in some parts of the story, review over it carefully to check your grammar.

Blanca Sanahuja BFIS 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I think that you should be more creative, tou should put more interesting and detal things. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? There shuld be more suspence, like when you go to Lauras house you need to say more things. 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? I like your charactars name the only thing is that you should describe them like the personality... 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

CORRECTED BY kayla (:

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I think that its deffinetly original(: good job!(:

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I dont really think that your story has enough suspense and complications in it. I think that maybe that you should add some suspense.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? Yes. The characters are life-like. I could totally see people going through leaving a friend that they meet at camp.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? I actually have expereianced that in real life! And yeah it really does stink but now her and me just text eachother so we are still in touch (:

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? Some suggestions that i have for you is that you may want to check mis-spelled words and mis placed commas.