HA-Lachlan

Grade:6 Birth month: Augest Favorite food: Pizza Pets: I have 4 dogs 1 cat 6 chocks and 1 calf Favorite drink coke Hobbies Tennis cricket football siblings: I have one sister Favorite subject Sport

(From your partner, Alvaro) Is there any other interesting information you would like to share? Maybe you have other hobbies, your favorite music, something you'd like to learn about... Oh, and please be detailed.

Plan

O Me and every one in the world P Every adult is fat all the kids love chocolate but they don't want to be fat C The parents can't run and they don't get any excercise R We roll them to the gym and when they get fiter we put them on biggest loser. C They get skiny and the don't eat as much

wooooooooooooooooooooow. That was one of the worst stories I have ever heard.. no, that was the worst story I have ever heard. I dont wanna be mean but fix it....... ALOT!

Story

MMM Chocolate dad no more yes more ok one more, pass the chocolate well ya no get it your self. Your a real help i have'nt got up in weeks.

Slat or thats got to hurt yummy chocolate, when you finsh your chocolate go to bed where you going im going out with friends can i come to NOWAY. There here see ya.

Finsh eating hey i'm so fat i'm so fat when people secnods i go for 25ths.

I'm home holy he's home i'm ment to be in bed, or i can just sleep here. Are you are asleep or are you still eating

Your sleep thats rare good what sinks you must of being farting in your sleep

In the morning Wake up dad were going to town and get off the flore. where are abouts are we going i'll tell you when we get there ok. hurry up where late

40 mintes later

Where are we, at the gym you need some exusize NO!!! i don't need any yes you do. Ok

5 years later

I'm so fit i go run all over australia

The end

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

(BF: Alvaro)**
 * I can't edit a story thats not done, especially if I can't even understand it. You seriously need to try this again, especially, use punctuation next time. Now, you need to redo this story, because the idea is not original. Or, you can reedit it, and make something similar to a story. Now, this probably is not your finished story, so please, work on it, because the due date is passed already.