HA-Jayden

Hi what are you all doing. I'm Jayden. I love WWE 4ever. Milkyways are the best chocolates ever. Richmond all the way (if you don't know what Richmond is it is a football team) Penshurst is pretty good Boring at times but still good. my best friends are Brayden, Bazza, Harvey, Ash & George. Footy is fun when we win. My favourite movie is Hancock, I once won a fishing comp. it was so good we camped the night. i won $500 of gear. Peace everyone!

Here is my Story i hope you all like

It was just a normal school day when our principal walked in and said “I have 3 things to say” usually when something like this happens we have been naughty and he gives us the mighty 3 sit down stop it and shut up. He wasn’t a bad principal but he had some problems like his anger was easily meet at its most and he likes watch traffic. Some guy. You’re probably thinking what a nut job but you see he has helped me on more than one occasion so I owe him a few.

Anyway the mighty 3, one “sit down” he says. Two “stop it” he says and here comes the booming voice for the third “I have something to say” we all stood still it was like time had stopped. “I had a call from the coast today, I have got a new job.

I will be leaving tomorrow today I have a number 4 to say as well.” Oh great here it comes breaks our heart and still has some originality “there will be a principal for a day contest and who wins will be the principal for a day which is tomorrow.” We couldn’t believe it our dreams have come true we have all wanted to be a principal of a school for fun and now we can. I went home that night I had business to attend to me and my buddy bear had some business in a few hours I had some powder to trade. It is six a clock I am under the school were the bikes sit.

Bear walks in. there is a blank stare then I ask did you bring the booty he pulls out an envelope out of his transformers back pack “did u bring the stuff” he asks I reach into my pirates bag and pull out the stuff. 3 whole kilos of it a street value of 3 mil. “Show me the booty” I say to make sure I am not making a mistake he opens up the envelope I see the green and red glow then I relies this is real. I hand over the powder he gives me the envelope I realise there is a blueberry flavoured one and I am allergic to blueberry I reach into my bag and pull out my vg3 water mayhem. “

Freeze” I say “you gave me the wrong booty” I think for while then I say “get on the ground or I will fire.” Suddenly he pulls out vr4.5 water bull “this is my whiz fizz” I didn’t want to die now I wanted to go to Hawaii and meet a girl to slow down a bit have a few kids a get a grip of the sweet life. All of a sudden he pulls the trigger nothing happens he pumps it a bit still nothing I see my chance “Take this!!!!!!” I shout and let the bullets fly. He is soaked and stunned I grab the whiz fizz and run, I get home and mum ask me were I have been I just go to my room I know I haven’t heard the last of bear. Today is the day principal for a day comp first I brush my hair and chuck on my beanie my jacket and my sneakers, I can hardly think straight after last night. I tell mum that I don’t want a ride to school that would be awkward so I just decide to run it takes me 3 minutes.

I get there and I see bear he is standing at the slide playing with a bouncy ball he is staring at me I try not to notice but I can’t think of anything else but him. What if I lose my chance at the principal fro a day because of last night.

I go inside and see my teacher Mrs Crab is there I the envelope that had the booty in it on the window I grab the lollipops out of it before I left. The comp has started I aced the first part of it which was swimming then in the race I got second so I was still first now it was the general knowledge test I new I would do good the first 20 questions I got right so I had one more to get right and then I would of one then the last question was what is the largest carnivore in the woods I stood still bear, bear was the answer I couldn’t say it then I had the guts “bear” I said. I did it I had won I was the principal for a day then bear walked in with his hand tied together then there was three men in blue.

They said they needed a word with the teacher. 3 minutes later. They walked back in and asked for my bag I gave it to them. they searched it and then they pulled a bag out of there pockets and loaded the booty into it. I mumbled a bit then I said “ it’s not mine I don’t know how it got there” they look at me. “Bear told us everything. They say. You are under arrest for illegal selling of wizz fizz. That’s my life I am gone I did the crime now I do the time.

Edited by: Yana B.F.I.S. and Claudia B.F.I.S. 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I don't know if there is a plot in this story because I didn't understand the story. It didn't really make sense. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I have no idea what is happening in the story, first he's in cvlass then he's sitting under a tree, and then he's in jail. I don't n even know what the problems are.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? You have to present the characters!! Describe the characters!! Say the character names!! You're telling a story but no one knows who you're talking about, what's happening to him, what he feels. You don't know anything about the characters.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? You don't have any details. The story is really confusing. You have to have details so people can imagine what is happening in the story.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? You have many grammar errors, spelling errors, and punctuation errors. You are missing tons of commas, tons of quotation marks. And you are also missing some words. Your story is really confusing. Without details, commas, quotation marks etc. you can't understand the story.