BF-Sophia

Hi, my name is Sophia de la Torre and im 11 years old. My birthday is May 19, 1997. I am both an athletic and academic leader, eccept speling. Please ecuse any gramatical mistakes. I do many afterschool activities including horseback riding, gymnastics, dance, running, paddle ball, and theatre. Right now I am in theater Called Passionella. I am in the courus due to lack of time, but I am also the biggest parts understudy. I live in Barcelona, Spain and I go to BFIS. I was born in Miami, Florida and i lived there until i was seven, then i moved to Sterling, Virginia. My family is from Cuba and my grandparent on one side are from Leon, Spain. I am currently trying to get into the National Juniors Honor Society. I have a lot of friends but some of my best friends here at school are Ben, Lindsey, Joseph, and Silke. Oh yeah, I am also a girl. I have three dogs that i love and take over my life and world but it is OK. There names are Coco, Charlie, and Cody. I also have a cat named Bushy. My favorite band is probably Cold Play and my favorite song by the is Viva La Vida, i like it because it talks about history. I am an Athis, and half my family are Athis too. My favorite subjects in school are Math, English, History and Science. By the way my family calls me Sonny!!!

Nice Writing, Sonny

My Story
 * Silver Fang **

HELP! I need to fight it, I need to get out of here. I can't take the pain and treachery any more. It's eating me up inside like some kind of a virus. I need to jump, there is no reason for life any more. I’m going up to the 24th floor of The New York Sherry, one of the tallest hotels in all of NYC. My plan: Here I go. Awwwwwwwwwww!!! I’m plunging down to the ground faster than I can think, I hope this does it. Please, oh please work. Owwwwww! Great, I fell right through the water pipes. Now I’m soaking wet. “Who’s there?” “It’s me relax” said a calm and steady voice from beyond the shadows. “What do you want from me?” “Nothing, but Fabri wants to know if you took out Kemp” He replied. “Who?” “Remember that Witty brown haired vamp that got on our bad side” “Yeah, how can I forget?” “Why is there water everywhere, you’re going to blow our secret” “Relax I am perfectly adequate…, thanks run off in the middle of my sentence.” “Oh my god, did you just fall from up there." "No sir, go away sir."
 * § **** Jump out of the 24th floor window **
 * § **** Plunge down to the ground **
 * § ** ** DIE **

The streets of New York are lonely and complex. And out here in the big world your all alone, and no one is going to care. Plus people here won't take pity on you. It's a cold and lonely place out here in the big world and you’re just going to need to find the way things happen and work for your self. No matter how alone, how small, how big, how old, how young no one cares about you that's just the way things are in big cities like the NYC.

There is a simple explanation to this story, I’m just simply a suicidal vampire that hates his life, what is so weird about that? I belong to the vampire mafia, the most crude and malicious group of vampires and I’m the one that needs to do all the dirty work. Plus, it’s practically impossible to take out vampires, you have to rip out their tongues, rip apart their limbs, and then turn their remains to ash. Not easy!!! Your probably wondering who Fabricio is by now, he is the God Father of the vampire mafia. The guy that I was talking to in the shadows of the alley, he is my best friend named Joseph, he is younger than me though, only 65, unlike me 87 years old. He was there when my family died and he helped me through the hard times that I have always had. MY name is Scott and I’m running away from something just like the rest of you people out there.

Your probably wondering how you become a vampire, well some vampire has to turn you into a vampire. I was turned by my brother that later ended up burned and ripped a part I tried to hunt down the killer but I couldn't find him. He just seemed to disappear in thin air. Then again we can't turn into bats how ever there are a few cases where vampire have had awfully strange powers.

You think you know a lot about us from those silly little tales, well news flash you don’t. We are your worst nightmares, seeping into your souls, seeking loop holes, finding your weaknesses and jabbing at them every step of the way. All those ludicrous vampires that think they can make a fortune off abusing and almost exposing our secret to the world.

The truth is at night time I’m a nocturnal night mare, but during the day I’m just like you. I’m a body guard for a singer, named America. By the way the “c” is pronounced like an “s” I start my new job in 3, 2, 1… I’m late. No problem, I’m here. I hate running, it kills my head, a 23 miles is 2.3 seconds, and a new recorded. “Hello a pleasure to meat you America” “A grand pleasure to meet you too, Scott. I have been looking forward to this. So I’m going to be in a movie called, ‘ Ribbons past Rights’ and so far there has been a lot of buzz, and well I thought I might need a big and strong courageous body guard just like you.” “Very well I am at your service” I decided to open the door to the restaurant for her, and we both took seats. A couple of people came up to her to ask her for autographs and she was very polite in telling them that she was just a tad busy at the moment. At that exact moment a girl with strawberry blond hair walked through the door. Her beautiful crystal clear blue eyes sat right above her stunning angel-carved nose. Her bright red fruity lips were pressed together. I could smell the peach lip gloss that had been smudged across her perfect lips. Her face was amazingly, striking goddess-like face. As America rambled on I completely lost my sense of concentration and fell into a deep trance. “What is wrong with you?” “What? Huh? Sorry, keep talking.” The goddess sat right behind America, I was so concentrated and her indescribable face that I didn’t notice the Nikon D90 around her neck, she started taking snap shots. I was still lost in her eyes, but finally I noticed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” I rose from my seat in fury, forgetting her face. She ran with the most amazing bust. I ran after her. I tried to watch myself before I ran off like a vamp. I caught up to her. “What are you doing?” “My job”, she replied struggling to get out of my grasp, “I work for Top Gossip” once again I got lost in her eyes I let her go and she ran off life a peaceful yet wild gazelle. I returned to the restaurant and planted myself down into the cloth covered seat. When the waitress came to take our order I told her I wasn’t hungry. I hadn’t been hungry in 54 years, at least not for food. I got all my blood at the blood drive. My favorite flavor is O negative. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Before the reporter ran off I wiped a business card off her.

Night again.! I have to hunt down Kemp tonight. I can smell him. “What are you doing here, Kemp?” “I’m getting a little midnight snack.” “Sorry but your luck has just run out.” “Come on man don’t do this.” “I’m sorry, I really am.” “NO!!!!” Well now I need to take this body to the vamp cremator we have back at HQ. Plan II:
 * § ** ** Run off **
 * § ** ** Lead no scent or tracks **
 * § ** ** Come back in 2 maybe 300 years. **

I’m going to run away leave this life. “Hello” “Stop doing that” “Doing what?” “Sneaking up on me like that, it is really annoying. What do you want Joseph? ““Not much, hey I saw the way you were ‘observing’ Elize.” “Who?” “The reporter you fancy.” “I don’t fancy … Yeah, run off in the middle of my sentence again you little sissy vampire.”

“Joseph, I’m glad I found you, there is a problem” “What?” “Look at this morning’s headlines ‘Bodyguard or Boyfriend By: Elize Fintianna’ It’s absurd.” “Well you need to figure this one out by yourself” “Thanks for the help oh so wise one.”

Great late for work again. “America, have you seen the headlines” “Of course boyfriend” “What listen I’m just here to protect you.” “Really?” “There she is again” Great Elize again, just my luck. “Wait up, why do you keep fallowing us?” “Maybe it’s my job or maybe it’s something else. You tell me? How about we talk about it over a coffee?” “I can’t, I’m working.” “Well what time do you get off?” “Seven why?” “Meet you at Rooney’s Cafe at 7:15.” “Great timing, Joseph.” “I know fabulous isn’t it? Frabri wants you right away.” “Whoa, god I hate running like that?” “He is in there.” “Thanks” “Welcome, Welcome Scott it’s been some time since we last spoke, I want an update.” “Very well Father. In the last 2months I have disposed of seven vampires.” “Very impressive, any names?” “Of course Father, Kemp, Remy, Senrie, Mario, Votoli, Sabal, and Roque. “ “Thank you that is for now.” “I have to get back to work?”

“Hi stranger, how was work?” “Just fine I suppose.” We spoke for hours. “Wow its midnight” “yes time just flied” she added. “Well, let’s do this again sometime, a date,” “sounds splendid”

14months later

“So I’ve been thinking and I have to tell you something.” “What that you’re a Vampire?” “How did you know?” “I followed you one night.” “You knew all along and you never said anything” “Pretty much” “Well, now we can skip a head, will you marry me?” “Well, of course I will” “but what is with you and America?” “Nothing she thinks we are together but I told her I’m all ready with someone. Bye” “your way to close to her Scott” “no, I’m not Joseph” “ Scott you need to leave the country by the end of the weak, you got to go.” “Why?” “ Fabricio says if you don’t deliver your out”

“America I have to leave the country but your movie is almost over so you’ll be okay” “but what about us” “there never was an us, I’m sorry but I have to go.”

“There you are I’ve been looking everywhere for you Elize. I have to leave the country, the truth is I’m part of the vampire mafia and now the god father is coming for me, I have to leave the country as soon as possible, but I can’t leave you behind. So I have thought long and hard about this and I need to turn you into a vampire. When it is safe for me to come back you can alert me. But I really need to know if you want this burden to be your destiny, there is no going back. Once it is done it is done, and you must understand that.” My voice was now serious. “ I do, I’m ready” “Aggghhh” Her breathing became heavy. Her easy eyes turned green. You looked as if a released monster. When she was fed and calmed and a sleep I took her to Joseph to keep until I was able to come back. I fled the country as soon as possible I swam to Switzerland ** trying not to leave behind a scent or a marking that the vampires can track. **

23 years later

Somewhere in some remote mountains, -12 Celsius “Scott are you there?” Said a quiet and friendly voice “Elize is that you?” “Scott I’ve missed you” “Is it safe to come back?” “Yes, I killed them all.” “You did what?” “I killed them all except Joseph of course.” My mouth dropped, I was traumatized. My heart would have stopped beating if it beat in the first place. “Now we can be happy together.” “Happy, you have become what I was running away from. I did not want to kill them I could have if I wanted to but the whole point was that I was running away from this dreadful nuisance.” “But now we can be together.” “No I must destroy what I have created” I took a wooden steak and drove it through her heart. Steaks don’t kill vampires they paralyze them. I put her in a silver mold and laid her out on the cremating table at a low temperature. She finally fell to the ground, I had not destroyed it I just took away its power. She was human. I knew my fate was to lurk the halls within your brain spreading fear through your spine. This is my destiny and now I know we can’t be together. So upon her neck I layed a silver fang necklace. THE END

it was very well written and flows well. good luck, colleen :)
 * \ **nice story :D

** Questions for Peer Reviewers **
(Think in terms of questions you would like to ask the author.)

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you // see // and // hear // and // experience // the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

Rachael . Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I think your story is really creative and it wants the reader to keep reading. I thought it was good the way you told the reader at the start what you planed. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I think the problems were really good and they added a lot of tension. 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? You gave a lot of desciption about the character and it was good because I could picture the characters in my head. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? Yes 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? I think the story is all good and doesn't need much inprovement. I think the middle might need a little bit of inprovement because I got a bit borded and lost.

. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?