TM-Jay

Hey, I am Jackie Ruane

Hey, I am Jackie Ruane. 1) I go to Timberlane Middle School in New Hampshire 2)  I love to talk, and hang out with friends. 3) I am on the track team and I used to be on the basket ball team. 4)  My best friends are Abby, Karoline, Nicole, and **Colleen.** 5) I love to talk to friends on Instant Message. 6)  My favorite colors are pink and yellow. 7) I am a girl, I am addicted to talking to friends through the computer 8)  I am 12 years old, in the sixth grade, and my birthday is February 14. 9) My favorite TV show is American Idol.    10)  I call people dweebs.

[] - thats my mahara. Hi whats up

Jackie Ruane( :

__Watermelon Baby By: Jackie Ruane & Samantha Powell__ Joe was sitting at his house when he got a phone call. It was from some person that claimed that his name was Dr. Bill; and he was saying that his daughter had a never seen before condition. Dr. Bill said that Jackie escaped; Joe was very confused; he hung up the phone with his jaw dropped. He ran to the car and drove to the hospital. Your probably confused, well this is what happened.

Jackie got a phone call, it was her friend Sam. She wanted to know if she could come over. Jackie ran to the deck and saw her dad, she asked with hope if she could sleep over. Her dad said, “ Wait until I finish my drink, then I’ll bring you over soon.”

At last she arrived at Sam’s house. Sam’s parents weren’t home, so they had nothing to do. Usually they play games with them. They decided to make cookies. Jackie kept yelling at Sam through the process. Sam would never do anything right, she would think that we put sesame seeds in cookies. Jackie went to go downstairs to get a lollipop, while sneaky Sam put sesame seeds in the cookies. Jackie arrived back upstairs when the cookies were ready. She had nineteen of them, hungry girl! All of a sudden Jackie didn’t feel so good; she had to go to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later she came out saying, “Sam you’ll never guess what just happened.” Jackie looked different, her brown straight was now in a high bun, and she looked fat. Sam’s freckles were now bright red. That happens when she gets an idea, maybe she shouldn’t of put the sesame seeds in after all.

Chapter 2

Sam asked,” What happened to you?” Jackie replied, “Call your parents I need to go to the ER.” Sam was frantic and paranoid she ran to the phone and dialed her parents. With out a doubt they were at the ER within half an hour. Jackie looked even worse; her face was turning a fruity pink color. The doctors said that they needed to take some ex-rays. Sam still didn’t know what was wrong along with her parents. Sam was hoping that it wasn’t the sesame seeds she had put in the cookies. A couple hours later the doctors showed Sam and her family the pictures. Jackie didn’t look surprised but Sam and her family were astonished. It appeared that there was a water melon in her stomach.

The doctors advised Jackie to stay the night. Sam stayed with her while her parents went home. Jackie couldn’t go to sleep because the watermelon appeared to be talking to her. Jackie was saying what the watermelon was saying to her. It said, "Call me Jeramano.” And “You ate too much moon dust!” Jackie recalled that quote, "My dad left moon dust in my bedroom and I ate it all, all five pounds of it.” Sam looked disgusted but before she knew it Jackie was sleeping. Sam also couldn’t go to sleep because Jackie’s stomach kept rumbling. The watermelon really affected the process of her digestion system it sounded. Jackie couldnt really go the bathroom they said

Chapter 3

The doctors came in; they told Sam that she could leave now. The doctors told her that they needed to do some tests. Sam went into the other room, and slept on the big red couch. Jackie was talking in her sleep and told the doctors crazy stuff as they were taking the tests like, “all the rhinos are dead.” The craziest thing that she said, or sang was,

" All the rhinos are dead. Yes they are, oh yes they are. Its shock cause you think they arent but they are, dead DEAD DEAD DEAD! Oh baby whachu doing, you need to help them cause they are all dead, dead dead dead!"

The doctors were really freaked out; but they couldnt hide the giggles. The sound of there chronic case of the giggles woke up Jackie. She just pretended she was asleep. She goes to Sam and says, “I run now.” Sam had a confused face on. Jackie jumped out of bed and barged out the window.

Chapter 4

Sam looked out the window. There was Jackie hanging off of a bush with her hamburger night gown on. She was yelling, “Get me out of this dump!” The doctors ran out the window, they noticed that there was pink juice everywhere. Jackie was laughing hysterically, her face turned bright red. It appeared that the watermelon had burst. Jackie got help from the doctors to get up. Then Jackie punched them on the face and ran. Sam followed after her; as soon as she started she got a bloody nose. It was kind of dry out. Sam never knew that would be the last of Jackie, but oh it was. Jackie was never seen again

** Questions for Peer Reviewers ** Editted by gerard Is the story ended?
(Think in terms of questions you would like to ask the author.)

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? The plot is original and creative though its a bit confusing. You shuld cuntinue but add more details and make more sense. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?It doesn't have suspense yet because I dont think its fineshed.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? Well there is not much detail in the characters but I think that the dialogue is good but the characters i still think you could add more details in the characters.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you // see // and // hear // and // experience // the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? There is a lot of imagynary but they dont help you see the story but when she describes the charackters when they are sick. 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? Continue and describe a little more.

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

Yes it is original but i think she shoulod have added more detal in the beggining because i got very confused.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

Yes it added alot of suspense when it said she became huge round and red because it osunded as though she was alergic to the seeds in the cookies. I didn't think that the resolution was good because it just ended in away you never really got to understand what was going on.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

Yes they are enjoyable because Sam is obviously mischeveous and i think there should be more troublemaking in the story.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

Well i saw in my head very clearly when jacki started to to red and puffy and was rushed to the hospital.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

One suggestion that am going to make is try to right a story on your own not in a pair and see what you can achive by your self other wise it was a good story and i enjoyed it but i wished it was longer

joe