HA-Ashley

Hello im ash i have 3 brothers my favorite food is chocolate my favorite shows is either family guy or the simpsons my favorite band is green day

this is my story plan In class we did story planning. We had to pick ten heroes, ten villains, ten problems and ten settings. After that we had to pick one of each and come up with a story with them. Hero: bear in the big blue house Villain: santa Setting: at school Santa gets stuck in the air vent and trys to kill the whole school with his bad b.o. The bear in the big blue house cuts the air vent open and gets Santa out of the air vent and rings the police when the police arrive santa gives the police a present each when they open the present they just had to be hand cuffs thank you they say i needed a pair to use on you i lost mine then they never saw that santa again

today im not going to do the story about santa im going to write another please tell me what you think

It was an ordinary Monday at school have English then P.E then recess then we go to science but just then in science I got side track, when I was watching the bug on my hand the teacher said something but I didn’t under stand what it was. that was the worse mistake in my life. then she ask to go to get the equipment so I follow everyone and grab what they grab then I watch them set it up and I try the set it up but just then I must have had one simple mistake or a big one. I don’t know but a fire from the power point, where I plug the things in I didn’t know what they was called because was not listening.
 * If only I listened!**

All of a sudden there was a huge bang that blow me across the room the next thing I know was waking up in a hospital and looking in the other beds I see all my class mates with second degree burns and poles throw there heads I ask what happen they said I should know and that I was the corse of all this then as the nurse was walking of a had a fusion of her fallen down the stair but before I could say anything it was to late then I realised what happen.

I have powers that make me able to see into the future for a minute I look at all my friends and had I vision of two get blown up by a grenade and the other two getting shot, I have to do something I think of a plan but nothing came into my head all and then a bright flash of light just then the best plan rushes into my head that if I could see into the future I should be able to fix the future. I jump up and rip all the wires from my face and body and run down the stair I grab a doctors uniform and rush back up the stairs and grab all my friends I look out the window to see any one with guns or grenades but their was no one there I take my mates out side and picklock a van I put them in the back and one in the front to tell me what happen I hotwire the van and drive of then a body guard runs out and yells out leave my car alone I hit the accelerator and find some where safe to park I walk the rest of the way I just thought all this just because I didn’t listen if I could just tell all the teachers my plan they could help I go back to the hospital but it was to late they had all past away its all up to me now I go down a valley and see kids dealing drugs I hurry past them.

I find a rock on the ground and I thought it might be able to help me grabbed a rock and go run back to the van and take it to my house I get all my friends out of the van and take them to my room I quickly grab a couple of things and tape them all together and put the rock in the middle and turn it on. I yell I wish I never got side tracked and listen but then I would have never had these powers so I add to the wish I want to keep all my powers. I got to keep all my powers the next day I go to school and see all my friends but there were no teachers just then I thought I didn’t say anything about the teachers. Then I just went home waiting for the next journey of mine.

I go outside and look for a new adventure I go to my friends house and tell them I have awesome powers he didn’t believe me so all that I could do is show him we go down to the ld train station and I tell him I had a vision last night about a train crushing here the a minute late a train came flying around the corner well I better not say the rest.

My friends say when will I die I think for a second and say at the age of 82 he said awesome then we went down to the old factory and we see a big drum and on the label it said warning could corse major damage to all that it touches but he didn’t care he drunk I hand full and nothing happened I say the moment you touched it you must have got human strength he didn’t believe so he grabbed a big solid bar and bent it straight in half and all most snapped it in half

we think of a awesome catch phase and handshake the go we go out and see a old lady walking across the street and I see a car crushing into her and blood everywhere and her arm was on the roof you know what to do I say we both jump up thinking we could fly but that’s when it went bad we both fall on our heads and then there was the car but where’s the lady?

I look in the car and see the old lady but how did she turn into blended soup? I look again and to only see the old person in the car and the traffic lights on red As she goes to stop she hunks the horn but what at? US! This is where we gotta consentrate or we could be the blended soup.

I think and jump in the air and attepted to fly then i snash my head on the ground the car comes flying towards us and a blink of a eye it stops then came flying out the old granny and she gets stuck in the traffic lights i see my friend under the car and i lift the car up without even knowing it i help him out then all of a sudden he starts flouting then i yell out your flying he grabs the old lady and helps her to to the ground we did it we saved her life she offers to pay us but we declain we started walking of so she didnt convence us

beep beep........ Clunk we turn around to see the old lady flatted in the middle of the road. We rush back to my house I ask how he flied. He said that you gotta think about a feather with wing i start to think about it then all of the sudden i started to fly i scream how do you get down? In shock he yelled out just turn around fly down then when you about 5 metres from the ground turn back around then just focus on the place where you want to land then you should just fall from you current spot and hit the ground. Then he asks if he could sleep at my house I ask my parents they said whatever. the next morning we see there picture in the newspaper the article read the heroes that suck yesterday 14/6/2067 two new super heroes arrived in town then kill an old lady what will they do next? Who needs them anyway they make life a whole lot worst “hey maybe we should write a letter to the news reporter” I said over the kitchen table “yeah that’s a great idea” he replies “Um what will happen if they don’t reply back?” I asked “I never thought of that but its worth a try”.

Later that day

channel nine news break two kids think there save the old lady life but if they did would they really be died right now? Stay tune for more info. “Mum we did not kill that lady” I scream “ I know you didn’t the superheroes did’. “Yeah that’s the thing we are the super heroes”. “But you was trying to save her that’s what matters”.

__

I highlighted your errors

It was an ordinary Monday at school have English then P.E then recess then we go to science but just then in science I got side track, when I was watching the bug on my hand the teacher said something but I didn’t under stand what it was. that was the worse mistake in my life. then she ask to go to get the equipment so I follow everyone and grab what they grab then I watch them set it up and I try the set it up but just then I must have had one simple mistake or a big one. I don’t know but a fire from the power point, where I plug the things in I didn’t know what they was called because was not listening.
 * If only I listened! **

All of a sudden there was a huge bang that blow me across the room the next thing I know was waking up in a hospital and looking in the other beds I see all my class mates with second degree burns and poles throw there heads I ask what happen they said I should know and that I was the corse of all this then as the nurse was walking of a had a fusion of her fallen down the stair but before I could say anything it was to late then I realised what happen.

I have powers that make me able to see into the future for a minute I look at all my friends and had I vision of two get blown up by a grenade and the other two getting shot, I have to do something I think of a plan but nothing came into my head all and then a bright flash of light just then the best plan rushes into my head that if I could see into the future I should be able to fix the future. I jump up and rip all the wires from my face and body and run down the stair I grab a doctors uniform and rush back up the stairs and grab all my friends I look out the window to see any one with guns or grenades but their was no one there I take my mates out side and picklock a van I put them in the back and one in the front to tell me what happen I hotwire the van and drive of then a body guard runs out and yells out leave my car alone I hit the accelerator and find some where safe to park I walk the rest of the way I just thought all this just because I didn’t listen if I could just tell all the teachers my plan they could help I go back to the hospital but it was to late they had all past away its all up to me now I go down a valley and see kids dealing drugs I hurry past them.

I find a rock on the ground and I thought it might be able to help me grabbed a rock and go run back to the van and take it to my house I get all my friends out of the van and take them to my room I quickly grab a couple of things and tape them all together and put the rock in the middle and turn it on. I yell I wish I never got side tracked and listen but then I would have never had these powers so I add to the wish I want to keep all my powers. I got to keep all my powers the next day I go to school and see all my friends but there were no teachers just then I thought I didn’t say anything about the teachers. Then I just went home waiting for the next journey of mine.

I go outside and look for a new adventure I go to my friends house and tell them I have awesome powers he didn’t believe me so all that I could do is show him we go down to the ld train station and I tell him I had a vision last night about a train crushing here the a minute late a train came flying around the corner well I better not say the rest.

My friends say when will I die I think for a second and say at the age of 82 he said awesome then we went down to the old factory and we see a big drum and on the label it said warning could corse major damage to all that it touches but he didn’t care he drunk I hand full and nothing happened I say the moment you touched it you must have got human strength he didn’t believe so he grabbed a big solid bar and bent it straight in half and all most snapped it in half

we think of a awesome catch phase and handshake the go we go out and see a old lady walking across the street and I see a car crushing into her and blood everywhere and her arm was on the roof you know what to do I say we both jump up thinking we could fly but that’s when it went bad we both fall on our heads and then there was the car but where’s the lady?

I look in the car and see the old lady but how did she turn into blended soup? I look again and to only see the old person in the car and the traffic lights on red As she goes to stop she hunks the horn but what at? US! This is where we gotta consentrate or we could be the blended soup.

I think and jump in the air and attepted to fly then i snash my head on the ground the car comes flying towards us and a blink of a eye it stops then came flying out the old granny and she gets stuck in the traffic lights i see my friend under the car and i lift the car up without even knowing it i help him out then all of a sudden he starts flouting then i yell out your flying he grabs the old lady and helps her to to the ground we did it we saved her life she offers to pay us but we declain we started walking of so she didnt convence us

beep beep ........ Clunk we turn around to see the old lady flatted in the middle of the road. We rush back to my house I ask how he flied. He said that you gotta think about a feather with wing i start to think about it then all of the sudden i started to fly i scream how do you get down? In shock he yelled out just turn around fly down then when you about 5 metres from the ground turn back around then just focus on the place where you want to land then you should just fall from you current spot and hit the ground. Then he asks if he could sleep at my house I ask my parents they said whatever. the next morning we see there picture in the newspaper the article read the heroes that sucked yesterday 14/6/2067 two new super heroes arrived in town then kill an old lady what will they do next? Who needs them anyway they make life a whole lot worst “ hey maybe we should write a letter to the news reporter” I said over the kitchen table “yeah that’s a great idea” he replies “Um what will happen if they don’t reply back?” I asked “I never thought of that but its worth a try”.

Later that day

channel nine news break two kids think there save the old lady life but if they did would they really be died right now? Stay tune for more info. “Mum we did not kill that lady” I scream “ I know you didn’t the superheroes did’. “Yeah that’s the thing we are the super heroes”. “But you was trying to save her that’s what matters”

1. Original plot? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?. I really llike your plot. its interesting, good job! =)

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I liek how your giving a a little deatail at a time. and i cant wait till you write more.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

The charaeters are a bit confusing.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? i feeel like it could be a movie. because you can understand it.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? i think the entire thign could be improved. but only alittle.

Edited by Júlia BFIS

1. Original plot? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?.

The plot is a bit original, but it is very classical, with the super hereos and the powers. I think that you should think of some other plots to add.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

The problems that the characters face are to complicated.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

The characters are very confusing. You have to many of them. I suggest that you have only a fiew of characters.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

Most of the story needs improvement. You have to meany verb tences.