HA-Indigo

Hey i'm Indi, here is a little bit about myself. :D :D :D :D I am in year 7 at Hawkesdale P12. My good friends are Taylor, Chloe, Katie, Jess and Rachel. I have 2 dog's and 1 puppy, I also have 1 goat and a few chooks =)  I love playing netball, listerning to music and watching T.V.   I absolutly LOVE chocolate!   I have 1 brother and 1 sister they are both REALLY anoying!!! I live in Australia, Victoria.


 *  A Typical Lunch Hour  **

 It was the first day of term 1 of 2009. I got up very early to make sure I didn’t miss the bus. I got dressed, had breakfast and rushed out the door to the car. When I got to the bus stop everyone was there waiting for the bus. About five minutes later the bus arrived and every one rushed on to get a seat before anyone else did. I was last to get on because everyone pushed and shoved me out of the way. I said hello to my bus driver Tim and sat next to my best friend Violet. Tim is the best bus driver. He is always so friendly and happy.

It felt like forever driving to school. When we finally arrived at school everyone was excited and wanted to see their friends immediately. We all rushed to get off the bus to go and meet them. The bell rang and we all headed for our class. I had two periods of Maths. We all met in the maths room and the teacher announced that she was going on long service leave and she wouldn’t be back for six weeks. She also explained that her plane left tonight so she has to drive to the airport right about now. Then she said goodbye and rushed as quickly as she could to her car and drove off to the airport.

Soon enough our new teacher walked through the door. He looked very strict and mean. He was looking everyone in the eye as he made his way to his new desk. He was carrying two extremely large suit cases. He opened one of them and pulled out a large ruler. We were all wondering what he was planning to do with it. Then finally some words came out of his mouth, “hello children, my name is Mr Bunsen and I am going to be your teacher for this term while your other teacher is away on long service leave which I am sure you all probably already know that. Now you are all probably wondering what this ruler in my hand is for, well it is going to be used in our straightest line drawing completion, isn’t that going to be fun!.” We all moaned and groaned.

Soon after all the line drawing it was lunch time. We grabbed our lunch and headed out side. We sat under the willow tree where we usually sit and started to talk about our kind of weird and quirky new maths teacher Mr Bunsen. We sat there talking for a while when we caught site of Mr Bunsen heading under the school building. Then my friends and I followed him to see what he was up to. We slowly crept around the corner and under the school where he was.

We kept on following him to see where he was going. Finally he stopped in front of a very large door he opened it and went inside. We followed him. I opened the door and… “Hello girls,” said Mr Bunsen  “what brings you lot down here?”

Then we noticed that we were in the new printing and photo copying room that the teachers had been talking about for weeks! “Um…” I said. “We were just going to photo copy something.” “Oh well by all means go ahead.” “Oh, silly me I forgot the piece of paper we were going to copy!” Then we made our way back out into the playground. “The teachers said that they weren’t going to be building that room in weeks” I said. “Yeah well I guess they made up their mind early” Violet said. “I guess they did.”

i like your story, i hilighted the spelling mistakes just so you know were to fix it.  Edited by Daniela BFIS= 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I don't know really well what the plot was. I think there wasn't a plot. You mixed a lot of things together and it didn't make a lot of sense. I think that you should tell who was talking after each quote. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? Well, a lot of things need to be changed. You need to have an idea for this story. This story doesn't make any sense to me. Try to work on it because it's hard to understand the concept. Why did the students follow the new teacher? What was the characters name? What do I need to change? 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? I don't know how the characters look like. Their life is... well, normal and you put a lot of things together. Put more details in your writing. Explain more about the character and the new teacher and Violet. Be clearer. Don't complicte your life making a story that needs work. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? I want to see changes. I want to feel the tension when they go to see where the new teacher is going. This story is too fuzzy. Need more datails. I don't imagine what they are feeling if you don't explain it.

plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

