HA-Sarah

hi, I'm Sarah. Here are a few things about me. 1. My fave animal is a horse (i have five) 2. My fave colour is purple (my bedroom is purple) 3. My hobby is horse riding. 4. I have two brothers and one sister (they are all olderthan me)

this is me!!!

th my story!

Mr Margrety was just having a normal day at the supermarket looking for any unique vegetables to add to his collection. He had already looked at the carrots, Apples, Bananas and peaches, most of the time he doesn’t even look at the potatoes but as he walked past he saw one that was gold and glowing. He grabbed it and sped out the door. He ran through the car park and started running up the hill to where he lived (it took him a wile i mean he’s like 78 years old!). as he was crossing the road he tripped on the edge of the road, the potato fell from his hand and started rolling down the hill. Mr Margrety ran after it, it rolled around the bend at the bottom of the hill then through a barbed wire fence, down a slope then on to a basketball court. It stopped right in the middle of where athletes were training; Mr Margrety couldn’t get to it. Suddenly a ball hit it, it shot down another slope on the other side of the basketball courts and onto the bitumen ground of the car yards. Mr Margrety stumbled after it, the potato bounced into a car crusher. Mr Margrety jumped in after the potato, it bounced out and Mr Margrety was crushed! There was a big investigation over what had happened, two days later they found out that the potato he had been chasing wasn’t even real it was a display model from the supermarket.

===1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? It is a very interesting story. The fact of imagining an old man running down the hill after a potato is quite funny, but i suggest you make it longer. === ===2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I think you should describe the character more than it is, at first i thought Mr. Margrety was going to a secret lab or something but i honestly didn't expect the potato to fall off. === ===3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? i only see one character in the story so i suggest you add more or describe the 1 character in so much detail so it seems like it is 3. There should be talking. === ===4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? i would like to see the character and hear because while i read the story, the image in my brain was plain white and a cricker going, crick crick, crick crick. 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? The begining at the supermarket is confusing. I think you should fix it. ALiso, there are a couple of mistakes in your story. ===