HA-Rachael

Hi, my name is Rachael. I am in year 7 at Hawkesdale P-12 College.

Here is a bit about me... My favourite colour: Orange My favourite food: chicken kieves and strawberries My hobbies: Playing netball and playing with my siblings My favourite AFL team: Essendon My pets: 1 dog, 2 cats, 6 chooks and 4 ducks My family: I have a sister, two brothers and a mum and dad I live in Victoria, Australia My favourite subjects at school are: Sport, English, Art and Viscom I can't wait to read your stories!

**Orientation: Mum, Dad, Ella and Billy Problem: Dad was in a car accident and he is in hospital in Geelong Complication: Dad needs an operation on his leg and he will be in hospital for about five weeks** Conclusion: Dad is well and happy and back at work and he is back enjoying himself**
 * Resolution: Dad gets out of hospital a week early

I was in my bed half asleep when mum came stomping in almost in tears and told me to get out of bed and get dressed into my good clothes. I asked mum why did I have to get dressed into my good clothes and not my school clothes and all she said was when your dressed pack a few clothes and then get in the car and I will tell you on the way. Billy and I were sitting in the car when mum came out the door and got in the drives seat. Straight away Billy and I asked mum what we were doing and she just burst into tears and said your father was in a car accident on his way to work this morning and he got fairly badly hurt and he is now in hospital in Geelong. The whole trip up to Geelong was a long and quite trip, not a word was said. When we arrived at the Geelong hospital we went straight to the reception and asked what room and level Mr Lake was in. The reception lady said he is in level six in the fifth room. Okay mum said and we headed straight off to the lifts. When we finally arrived at dads ward, mum ran in straight away and gave him a big kiss and cuddle. Then dad told us how the car accident happened. Billy and I were sitting in dads ward while mum went to get dads clothing and stuff out of the car. While mum was gone the nurse come in and took dads temperature and looked at dad’s leg. His leg looked really dreadful. Dad’s leg was so bad he has to have an operation on his leg next week. Next week came and dad was getting ready for his operation. Billy and I said good bye to dad and we told him we would meet him after the operation. Billy and I sat down and waited until mum got back from walking dad to the operation. An hour later dad had, had his operation and he was back in his room. The operation went really well and he was recovering well but he was still a bit groggy. A week has past after dads operation and he is back home.

What did you think of my story?

Edited by kaylaaa(:

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? The suggestions that I have for you are that just some beter word choice and try todescribe the dad's leg a little beter.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? The problems that your characters face add enough suspense and a lot of interst. The resolution is pretty good.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

Yes, the characters are life-like. I can deffinetly see people experiance this in real life.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

yes, the imagery and detail help me see and experiance the story.

What aeras of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

I think that the whole dad accident would be so much beter if it had some more detail to it.

Edited by Sophia de la Torre BFIS

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? The plot seems to be sort of original. It could use some improvements. like give some complications and things that go wrong.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I don't believe that you show enough suspence with in the story. Read my suggestions above.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? The characters are life like but I think you should give a more content description. I believe the dialog is as if I were reading it not seeing it which is the optical illusion we are trying to give.

What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? I think the plot and suspence both need quite a bit of thought put into them. The story could also use some details.