BF-Rodrigo

Hi, my name is Rodrigo. I am 11 years old and studying at Benjamin Franklin international school in Barcelona, Spain. My house is in Sant Cugat, a wide natural area in the outside of the main city of Barcelona. I also have a house in North Conway New Hampshire but i only go there ffor the summer and winter holidays. I was born in Venezuela but moved to spain because of the political and social problems. My favorite sport is either baseball or soccer and i love animals (especially dogs). I also love traveling to different places and living adventures

My story= The Sci Fi Birth of Intelligence and Life

We humans ride in trains, listening to ipods. The steady hum of vehicles drifting through the endless roads has become normal to us. When we think of the past, we think of cavemen, who's only technology was sticks and rocks. But, what if in the past there was also an advanced race? Humans in the past which had technology greater than ours? This is the story of that human colony.

1,400,000,000 years ago this colony appeared from another planet searching for life, their space shuttle crashed at the bottom of a shallow sea after the 100 occupants had evacuated from their ship. As they resurfaced they where hit by a wonderful but terrible sight. Before them lay a vast ocean of crystalline water, surrounding them by all sides. The crew had been prepared for this but hadn't expected it to happen. 3 skillful swimmers, dressed in blue, rubber vests dived back underwater to rescue their sunken shuttle. They entered their crashed but working ship, only letting in a few litres of water. One of them activated the external airbags and the ship floated to the surface, where the other 97 tripulants were waiting. Soon they where all inside wrapped up in towels and planning their next move. Quickly, they decided that they would complete their mission on that planet. " Let us rest for now " said the captain, A heavily built man with a square jaw and erect body. His name was Oplok and he had been born a leader. The tripulants worked hard. For years they studied the water and searched the endless seas with telescopes, but the only sign of life where simple cells. Soon, the average population had doubled and the citizens where left with an impossible choice. Leave now while there was still space for everyone, or stay where they where. They had already been able to build floating rafts with the materials they had found underwater. New inhabitants could live on them, feeding on the self-reproducing jelly-like material that they had brought from their own planet called mastan.Oplok decided that they would stay and develop on their newly found planet which he gave a humouristic name - Earth because there was no land. The people discovered a flexible, watertight material, made with water and other chemicals made inside of it. But it could not float in water. Then, a young engineer suggested making an underwater home, one which was in the same habitat as everything else, the people soon found out that with two specially made pipes, that oxygen would not be a problem. Neither would entering and exiting. One pipe sucked oxygen from the air and brought it down to the underwater base where the people would be. To enter all the people had to do would be to take a step into the pipe and they would be sucked down into their new home. The other pipe would suck carbon dioxide from the base, taking it straight to a greenhouse filled with their home-planet's plants which would turn the CO2 into oxygen and the process would start all over again. Hundreds of plans where made until the final design was dug from the depths of the people's intelligence. The whole structure would be used and all the healthy people would have to collaborate in order to finish sooner. Finally the day came in which their new home was finished. The raft in which it was floating on was destroyed and the now 2000 occupants stared in awe as the massive capsule sank to the bottom of the sea. All that was left that was not submerged in water where the tops of two pipes. One for entering and one for exiting. But their amazement was short lived. The people knew that they where far from finishing. All that they had done for now was the outside structure, the inside, was another matter. As soon as the huge object hit the bottom. Five people slid down the oxygen tank, followed by everyone else. The citizens started to work straight away, Setting up huge structures that could fit more than two hundred people inside of them. The people where engrossed with their work, paying no attention to the world above. After a couple of weeks of hard work, everyone was helping and no-one was on the surface. Years passed, and the exit was left, forgotten because of the people refusing to leave the city, just to witness the construction of the first city on their new home planet. Years later, boy called Jiro strolled around the underwater city's street. He had jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. He was tall and fit for work, which he already had more than enough. His job was to collect materials for the construction of the city. His daily routine was to collect the nessecary tools for his work in the town hall (a shovel and a rubber bag)



 of vehicles drifting through the endless roads has become normal to us. When we think of the past, we think of cavemen, who's only technology was sticks and rocks. But, what if in the past there was also an advanced race? Humans in the past which had technology greater than ours? This is the story of that human colony.

1,400,000,000 years ago this colony appeared from another planet searching for life, their space shuttle crashed at the bottom of a shallow sea after the 100 occupants had evacuated from their ship. As they resurfaced they where hit by a wonderful but terrible sight. Before them lay a vast ocean of crystalline water, surrounding them by all sides. The crew had been prepared for this but hadn't expected it to happen. 3 skillful swimmers dived back underwater to rescue their sunken shuttle. They entered their crashed but working ship, only letting in a few litres of water. One of them activated the external airbags and the ship floated to the surface, where the other 97 tripulants were waiting. Soon they where all inside wrapped up in towels and planning their next move. Quikly, they decided that they would complete their mission on that planet. " Let us rest for now " said the captain, A heavily built man with a square jaw and erect body. His name was Oplok and he had been born a leader. The tripulants worked hard. For years they studied the water and searched the endless seas with telescopes, but the only sign of life where simple cells. Soon, the avereage population had doubled and the citizens where left with an impossible choice. Leave now while there was still space for everyone, or stay where they where. They had already been able to build floating rafts with the materials they had found underwater. New inhabitants could live on them, feeding on the self-reproducing jelly-like material that they had brought from their own planet called mastan. Oplok decided that they would stay and develop on their newly found planet which he gave a humouristic name - Earth because there was no land. The people discovered a flexible, watertight material, made with water and other chemicals made inside of it. But it could not float in water. Then, a young engineer suggested making an underwater home, one which was in the same habitat as everything else, the people soon found out that with two specially made pipes, that oxygen would not be a problem. Neither would entering and exiting. One pipe sucked oxygen from the air and brought it down to the underwater base where the people would be. To enter all the people had to do would be to take a step into the pipe and they would be sucked down into their new home. The other pipe would suck carbon dioxide from the base, taking it straight to a greenhouse filled with their home-planet's plants which would turn the CO2 into oxygen and the process would start all over again. Hundreds of plans where made until the final design was dug from the depths of the people's intelligence. The whole structure would be used and all the healthy people would have to collaborate in order to finish sooner. Finally the day came in which their new home was finished. The raft in which it was floating on was destroyed and the now 2000 occupants stared in awe as the massive capsule sank to the bottom of the sea. All that was left that was not submerged in water where the tops of two pipes, one for entering and one for exiting. But their amazement was short lived. The people knew that they where far from finishing. All that they had done for now was the outside structure, the inside, was another matter. As soon as the huge object hit the bottom. Five people slid down the oxygen tank, followed by everyone else. The citizens started to work straight away, setting up huge structures that could fit more than two hundred people inside of them. The people where engrossed with their work, paying no attention to the world above. After a couple of weeks of hard work, everyone was helping and no-one was on the surface. Years passed, and the exit was left, forgotten because of the people refusing to leave the city, just to witness the construction of the first city on their new home planet.

Damo 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? it did not interest me. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I thing you should describe the occupants more. 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? I don think the characters are reel 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? I think the intro is the best 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? The middle of the story is boring.