TM-Brian

 (\_/) (=´.`=) (´´) (´´)

Hi my name is Brian Ventura. Some people call me Ace. I am 12 years old. I was born in November. I live in Atkinson, New Hampshire. Now I will tell you some things I like to do.

Those are the things I like to do. Some other things about me are that I have a mom and a dad. I have one sister. Her name is Tyler. I have grandparents in Florida. It’s my favorite place to be. The only thing I don’t like going to Florida is that there is no snow for my snowmobile. My favorite color is purple. Something I hope to accomplish is becoming a fire fighter or be in the MLB. ( Major League Baseball.)
 * I like to play Xbox on Xbox live
 * Play baseball
 * I like to bike
 * Basketball
 * Skateboard
 * Air soft
 * Archery
 * Paintball
 * Snowmobile
 * Snowboard
 * Guitar

From, Brian Ventura A.K.A (Ace)

Wow! your story is really creepy!! :D -arel bfis wow creepy story but it is really cool bfis Ben ** A Haunting In New Hampshire **
 * Brian Ventura & Brandon Boyer **
 * Once upon a time, there was a family in New Hampshire. These people lived in an old haunted barn but still did not know it. There was one boy that survived this incident, but his 4 brothers and 5 sisters did not. **
 * One hot sunny day in the 70’s, Billy, Brian, Joe, Carl, Steve, Sam, Kayla, Chloe, Jackie, and Karoline were outside playing tag when Billy trips over a small tombstone. He called his brothers and sisters over and picked up the tombstone because they thought it was a cool shaped rock. They went even further into the woods to try to find even more so called, cool shaped rocks. What they didn’t know is that the tombstone was the stone of a mass murderer that hung himself about a mile away from that spot. Over night the kids could not sleep, so they went down stairs listen to the radio. There, floating right in front of them was a giant, blue, blob, and then, it disappeared. The kids were so scared. They ran back up stairs so fast their feet barely hit the ground. The parents woke up to find a shattered vase on the living room floor. ** ** As soon as they saw that, they blamed the kids. The next day they kids ran even further in the woods to find a miniature cemetery of military servers from war and right next to this house was an old abandoned grave digger’s house. Joe said, “Come on guys lets go in, I bet it’s really cool inside.” The others refused. Joe again says “come on guys don’t be chickens. Man you guys have really dull lives.” **
 * They all said “No we don’t” **
 * He says,”Then prove it, go in.” **
 * They got in and they realized it was an old antique shop. They ruffled through drawers to find a picture of an old military man. On the back, it said //Shawn Peterson 1900 military coast guard//. Joe said “This must be one of the guys in that cemetery that died. Then the door closed as quick as lightning behind them, and that is when the windows shattered and all of the drawers fell out. They tried to open the door but it was stuck, so they kicked through the wall. They ran like lightning back to their house and tried to convince their parents it was true, but they didn’t believe them. **
 * The next day, they took the parents into the woods and the house was gone. The parents were saying it was ridiculous and walked away. The kids turned around and saw that their parents were already gone, they turned back around and the house was there again. They ran back to get their parents and noticed that they weren’t at the barn. “How weird” said Billy as they went inside and noticed there was absolutely nothing that was theirs inside. They all thought it was a dream until Joe felt a sharp pane in his head. Joe suddenly blacked out and fell to the ground. All of the kids freaked out and all ran up to there bedroom. Three days later when they all came down, Joe had bugs eating his out insides. When Billy got outside their was a big bonfire in the backyard. He went to get the other kids to come out and when he got outside their was not even one little ash for proof. Every one was really scared when they went into the woods and the house was a mansion. Golden doorknobs, diamonds on the shutters, but high up in a tree, was their mom and dad. “Their must be a ghost that hung them” said Carl. That is when they his in the mansion and their was all of the food in the world in their also their was a fridge. They were so exited until the chandelier fell and scared the life out of them. They all ran outside and went even further into the woods to try to find their parents. When they got to a small dirt road they found an old crashed horse cart with dead skeletons in it. “Our family’s neighborhood is haunted,” said Steve. “That’s the reason no one lives here.” The whole group shuttered at the feeling of living in a haunted neighborhood with no parents. By the time they go t home, it was dark and they were tired so they went inside and found that Joe was up and walking around. **

EDITED BY: Arel! BFIS

Questions for Peer Reviewers

(Think in terms of questions you would like to ask the author.)

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

I think its quite original but lots of grammar mistakes and stuff like that. Also very confusing at times.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

There is too much going on and i keep getting lost.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

I think the characters are very cheesy and i think you8 should change them. They are always being very random...especially JOE

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you // see // and // hear // and // experience // the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

I can sort of see what is going on, but its very fuzzy at times. I think that you should add details to describe everything better.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

I think that the thing that needs the most work is the characters. You should describe and introduce them better. Also the first paragraph is very confusing and off topic.