TM-Cam

**Cam
 * Hello my name is Cam Altobelli, **
 * I am a boy, and the thing I like the most is video games. **
 * My favorite video game is Call of Duty world at War. This **
 * Is a war game. There are a bunch of these so it is a serious. **
 * My favorite weapon to use is the Thompson. It is a sick machine gun, **
 * This gun is the best for me when I use it. I also live in Atkinson, it is **
 * In the northern part of the United States. Another thing I love to do is **
 * Air soft. Air soft is a game where you use guns to shoot each other. **
 * These guns are powerful but will not penetrate threw your skin. They don’t even hurt. Another reason I love the Thompson is because I have a machine gun for an air soft gun. **
 * Yours Truly **

Story goes here:** Abduction It was one sunny afternoon. Karoline Shea, a blonde haired, lanky girl was walking home from softball practice. She noticed that a car was following her. The car stopped. she looked, there was no one in it. she started to stroll forward, a man with gloves on grabbed her.She was screaming and kicking and punching. She couldnt do any thing, the man covered her mouth and brought her in her car. No one had seen this happen. The next day they still had no leads.This was turned to the police and brought out public. Some kid named Jake Altobelli likes her a lot. So he goes looking for clues. He found a piece of hair near the abduction site. Luckily his friend Cam Durkin has a DNA sample test. When he tested it, it was defiantly Karoline Shea’s They looked further into the investigation. With a microscope they found a piece of skin on the fence. This skin belonged to Nick Kosman. They told the cops and the cops didn’t believe them. They had to get more proof. So they went to this guy’s house. They climbed up in a tree. Then they saw Karoline. Screaming, tied up to a chair with a 500 pound weight. They took a picture then saw the man look at them. The man yelled at them. They ran, but on the way down they dropped the camera and lost all the pictures. Jake had tripped, the guy caught him Now they had no proof. All they could do was plot a new plan. They have to go in heavy duty. Luckily, Cams dad made air soft guns and Cam had a bunch of them. This was good. They were going to attack. Jake had an Uzi and Cam had a M16 sub machine gun with a silencer. Now they were equipped. Now all they had to do was make a plan. There dads did not approve of this. They didn’t care. They were going in on Thursday at 12 P.M. This was going to happen; all they had to do was sneak out. This is going to be hard. This is only in two nights. They needed to train. This was going to be hard with school in the way. Today was the day they were going to skip school for the rescue of Karoline. They were texting each other to meet up near the house. The coast was clear now they had to go in. The man was at work. Now they could go get her. They climbed up in the tree, and snuck into the house. They saw her. Then they rescued her. The next day they got in trouble with there parents. They only got in trouble for skipping school. They got rewarded 30,000 dollars for saving her. The man went to jail. For 10 years. The trial was long, they couldnt decide how long to sentence him. This girl was scared for life, she was never the same. They were now known for saving her.

The End

EDITED BY NILESH BFIS 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? The bginning was really good and creative, it gave me goosebumps. I think the story is very creative but the problem is that I dont like hoe the ending finishes, there should be a conflict between the one that abuducted the lady and the kids.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed Karoline was described well but her friends were not so described, I would describe how cam and jake looked like.

3. any of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? As i said before the character should do more things like maybe Jake getting killed or something. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? The beginning of the story is very creative but the end should be more descriptive.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? As i bsaid before the end should be better

**Questions for Peer Reviewers**
(Think in terms of questions you would like to ask the author.)

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? The plot is not very original, it is the typical detective story but badly done. I suggest, that you add something special to the criminal or the main character, because otherwise it's just another copy. Now, it's too short for a mystery too, so the idea doesn't go with the likings of the author, which is not good in free writing. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? The story has no suspense, which is vital to a mystery story. There is no tension and no interest either. The climax and/or resolution is very predictable, and not long or detailed. 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? The characters don't evolve throughout the story, they are not likable and I don't even know how they look. Ther es no dialogue, which is needed, you don't care at all if one of the characters dies because you don't know them. The characters are realisticly boring, and their actions are like a list. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? There are no details in the story. I can't experience a single moment in the story. I would like everything to be detailed and not one sentence per event, but many sentences per ACTION. I would like the story to not be like a list. 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? It is quite clear to me that the author does not like the story at all. I suggest that you make longer stories and to study the genre that you're going to write about, or to like it, because you wanted to do a story about air soft, which I would've loved, if you would've loved it. Now, all the suggestions are above, fix all the errors, or just start a new story. You also need to work on grammar and spelling, but the most important thing is the story, than the conventions.

BFAlvaro, please rate my story, and fairly.

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? i don't think the plot is original at all and everything is so sudden and it needs more details and for a detective story you need more details and more thinking involved. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? no i think the problem doesn't add any tension, suspense and interest and the climax is way tosudden and not very original and the friends stay so calm while normaly they would freak out and panic and then later they take control. 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? no not at all they're very stupid and they don't describe anything about the caracter well and they're very boring and they don't interact with other caracters well. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? not at all no imagry and that reading that story must have been the longest 3 minutes of my life. i would like to see more details 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? everythin needs improvment and more details, better characters and longer story.

edited by BFOskar please come edit me and rate me **fairly.**

Story and Content
**Starting - March 29 (2009):** 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? They did not go out of the topic and it was very interesting. Try to not go like from one place to another without telling what happens between. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? There is no suspense or tension. It interests me a little bit. The climax is preety well done. 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? THERE IS NO DIALOGUE! Describes well the characters but the story is like not detailed. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? NO DETAILS! It has to be longer because the phases are very short. 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? Needs to be longer and be more detailed. There is a lot of mistakes and you can not here what they are saying and how they fell doing this. YOU CAN NOT PASS. look my story and edit fairly.

Edited by BFOscar

**Story and Content**
1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I think the start was very creative but i didnt think the end was as creative as the start. 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? T he end needs to be more descriptive and more appealing.
 * Starting - March 29 (2009):**

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? Characters need more description, explain more about the criminal and the 2 inspecters.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? like i said needs more description.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? The ending needs more description as well as the characters, um... i think it jst needs more description they are my sggestions.