HA-Kirsten

**Hi my name is Kirsten. I live in Hawkesdale, Victoria. I am in year 7 at Hawkesdale P12. Here is a little bit about me.** **My Friends are Grace, Georgia, Rachael, Jess, Maddison and Ivy. ** **My Favourite TV show is Home and Away. I love listening to music. I also like playing heaps of sports. I like talking to my friend and hanging out with my friends.**
 * My Favourite sport is Netball. **

Here is my story!! // Marlee’s Mum!! //

Here we were going to go for a surf when Marlee got a phone call for the hospital saying that her mother had been in a car crash and was injured. Marlee started to think that she had been rushed to surgery to have a really big brain operation. We rang her dad to come and pick Marlee up and take her to the hospital.

Marlee’s dad Pat came to the beach straight away and they were off to see her mum and Pat’s wife. When they got there Rachael was sitting up in her bed with a broken leg and arms. Her mum was just so happy to see them both. After Rachael telling the both what had happened Marlee started to think about what was going to happen to the surf school and who was going to instruct all the surf lessons. After a few minutes of thinking about the school she started to ask some questions about it. Back at the beach Fran, Tilly and Pink were wondering how Rachael was going. So they decided that they would go and see her the next day, before they went for a really long surf. They wanted to support Marlee and he dad because it was Rachael’s birthday the day after.
 * The next day!! **

Tilly, Fran, Pink and Marlee were visiting her mum and they wanted to know what they could do to help Marlee and her mum. Then Marlee came up with an idea. Tilly, Fran and Pink could run the surf school while Marlee was looking after her mother, which was going to be a couple of months. Marlee asked her mum about the idea when Tilly, Fran and Pink had gone home. Rachael thought it was a good idea but Marlee had to confront her dad about it before she went and told the three girls.

Marlee’s dad was had to talk around but she got through to him and he said it could be worth it since he was running his own business. He was really busy with his work so he couldn’t go and see Rachael for a long time.

Marlee went down to the beach to see if Tilly, Fran and Pink were there but she found them at Pink’s house drinking some really hot soft drink that hadn’t been it the fridge. She told them her idea and they were so stoked that they said they went down to the school and opened it up. There were heaps of little kids around on the beach waiting for the surf school to open. When it did open there was a swam of little kids in and out of the water. Tilly had her head in the business books trying to work out what all the little symbols meant. Fran was teaching all the little kids about all the water safety rules. Pink was helping all the little kids fill in their water worksheets.

Rachael was getting ready to come home from the hospital when there was no sign of Marlee and Pat. She was sitting out the front of the hospital because she got kicked out her bed. There was a horse racing accident where the jockey fell off the horse and got trampled by all the other horses running. Finally Marlee and Pat got to the hospital and they were home in no time. Marlee was running around everywhere because she and her dad had left the house in a pigsty.

It was just about dark when Tilly, Fran and Pink had closed the surf school. They went around to Marlee’s house to see how Rachael was going. The doctor said she could be out of plaster within 6 months. Rachael told the girls that they didn’t need to open the school until she was able to walk again. After the day they had had they thought it was a good idea. By that time it was nearly tea time and the girls went their own ways. Rachael was able to walk and she running to get her fitness back up. The school was now open and Rachael was constructing the lessons. Tilly, Marlee, Fran and Pink were just hanging around enjoying their company, not maving to do anything. Finally, their lives were back on track. Corrected by Lindsey bfis and ally Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? This plot is very unique. I have never read something similar. Ally- this plot is very original and very interesting 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I think that the problem hapens at the beginning and you talk nothing abouthow it happened. Also, this seems more like someones diary than a suspenseful story with many things happening. A bit to simple. Ally- I do agree with lindsay maybe add more words other then a diary 3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? I don't know much about any of the characters. In addition, they all swarm together. Ally- the discription about the characters is very vegue. 4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? You are very good at tell what they are doing, but you could talk more about where they are and what the surrounding area looks like
 * 6 months later!! **

most inprovement? What suggestions do you have for the author? I think you could use a bit more description. Also, you have a few mistakes (reading it out loud to someone helps). In addition, if there was a way to make things be in the same time period and flow together a bit more, your story would be even cooler. ya i agree totally Jake  From Ally- more discription on the characters