TM-+Jacob

Hi, my name is Jacob, I go to Timberlane Regional Middle School and it’s a great school. I live in a town called Plaistow, NH it’s in the Northeastern part of the U.S.A. I am very athletic and I play a lot of sports. The sports I play are baseball, basketball, soccer, football, and kickball. I like animals a lot and I also have dog named Rusty. He is a golden retriever. I used to have a dog named Benji, but he died when I was 7 and he was 10. Benji was a great dog and he loved everybody. My new dog Rusty is not that smart. He chews up is bed and especially his chew toys. He also chases lights from a flashlight, shadows, and reflections.

Once there were two boys named Jacob and Nick. They lived in Manhattan, New York and were very interested in mutants. Both of their parents would always say they were obsessed, and they were. They even tried to turn there teacher into one, but it was not long until the principal came. But then, they came up with a fool proof way to turn something into a mutant. All they had to do was get somebody and use a lot of electricity and a potion made of all things that you would expect into a mutant. They had three people they could do it on. Their sister, their pet, or their teacher. Now there was just one problem, who could they get to do these extremely painful tests to become a mutant?

So they tried to trick there sister but she caught on to quickly. Their teacher gave them each a detention for trying to turn her into a mutant in the school lab. Then they had there dog named George. George ran away one day. Jacob sat down with a sad look on his face and then that sorrow turned to anger and he threw all there experiments into there potion table.

Arising from that table came a tall man and he was strong then his hands turned to fists and he screamed. His hands then lit on fire and tried to punch Nick. They both screamed and started to run toward too. They both woke up a couple of hours later with lots of pain. They both barely remembered what happened. They went home and decided to watch the news. There on the news was the mutant tearing down a huge building and out of nowhere Dookie charged out of nowhere and attacked the mutant, but then he flew out of sight and was gone. The next day, Jacob and Nick still weren’t feeling good so they stayed home from school.

Jacob stayed at nicks house for a while until they realized they smelt something odd it sort of smelt like the mutant. They searched the house leaving the basement. There was then only one place to look left the basement. The two boys slowly went down the stairs and in the corner they saw something move. They moved closer, and closer, and closer until the creature turned and attacked them. Jacob screamed loudly and Nick turned to run but were both captured by this Mutant. The mutant then broke open there sewer pipe and dragged them in. It dragged them for about an hour before they emerged on a hill that was off limits because the mutant had been spotted there. After two days of being trapped there they decided it was time to escape. They moved there arms and the rope broke they both gasped in amazement. They made there way slowly down the mutants tower to one of the platform rooms. Then the next flight of stairs was blocked by a gate. The mutant then came out laughing and attacked them. Nick immediately takled the mutant and ordered his friend to break open the gate. His friend did as Nick ordered and broke open the gate. Nick then told Jacob to get outside and collapse the tower. Jacob started running as Nick and the mutant fought for there lives. Just then the tower set on fire and started to collapse. Just when Jacob thought that his friend wouldn't make it, Nick was running towards him! But, the mutant was right behind him. Just as the mutant lunged at Nick, a large piece of the building crushed the mutant.

The End

** Questions for Peer Reviewers (BF-Alejandro) **
(Think in terms of questions you would like to ask the author.)

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

The plot of this story has a complete lack originality. It is not creative and it is totally predictable. The problems are very heard in books and movies. I would completely change the sewer thing and be more original. Try to be more interesting and less Hollywood. Change your ideas and make the author want to read it more.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

The problems that the character face are like the problems in Disney movies. They add no tension or suspense and it is totally boring. The climax is totally boring. Change the plot, especially the people that are tested, the sewer thingie, and, PLEASE, the building destruction thing.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

The characters are "ok", though it would be better if you change their names since they are YOUR names. They are enjoyable but unrealistic. I wouldn't be SAD if i can't test someone to turn them into a mutant. Maybe you should say that they were anxious to do it and they really wanted it to do it so they found this solution...

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you // see // and // hear // and // experience // the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

No, I don't even know where the story takes place. More descriptions would be helpful, and more problems and tension. The details I would want to see are already said in questions above.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

I think everything needs more improvement.


 * Don't take this personally, I just don't like your story.**