TM-Sam

 Hello my name is Samantha but people call me Sam. I am 12 years old. My birthday is october16th. I love to play sports especially track. I have a few brothers and sisters they are all older than me except for one who is 5. I love to shop and run. I usually shop at the mall. When I have free time I shop, run, or play with my cat. My family is fun to be around most of the time. My sister that lives with me is 17. She doesn’t really mind hanging out with me when her friends aren’t around. My mom is a very kind person. She works and works out with her friend. My step dad is a cop and he is a computer technician he enjoys to watch TV and eat. I love to listen to music in my room I like all types of music.

From your friend Samantha __The devastating news __ __ By: Samantha Powell & Jackie Ruane __ chapter 1 Jackie got a call on Friday night, it was her friend Sam. She was unsure if she wanted to answer the phone or not, usually she asks for homework, then I remembered we had no homework tonight. She asked if Jackie could spend the night, Jackie ran upstairs to ask her Pa. Her Pa said, “Yeah that will be fine, since me and your mother are going to bird watch.” Jackie ran upstairs to get her slumber party stuff.

At last she arrived at Sam’s house. Sam’s parents weren’t home, so they had nothing to do. Usually they play games with them. They decided to make cookies. Jackie kept yelling at Sam through the process. Sam would never do anything right, she would think that we put sesame seeds in cookies. Jackie went to go downstairs to get a lollipop, while sneaky Sam put sesame seeds in the cookies. Jackie arrived back upstairs when the cookies were ready. She had nineteen of them, hungry girl! All of a sudden Jackie didn’t feel so good; she had to go to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later she came out saying, “Sam you’ll never guess what just happened.” Jackie looked different, her brown straight was now in a high bun, and she looked fat. Sam’s freckles were now bright red. That happens when she gets an idea, maybe she shouldn’t have put the sesame seeds in after all.

Chapter 2

Sam asked,” What happened to you?” Jackie replied, “Call your parents I need to go to the ER.” Sam was frantic she ran to the phone and dialed her parents. With out a doubt they were at the ER within half an hour. Jackie looked even worse; her face was turning a fruity pink color. The doctors said that they needed to take some ex-rays. Sam still didn’t know what was wrong along with her parents. Sam was hoping that it wasn’t the sesame seeds she had put in the cookies. A couple hours later the doctors showed Sam and her family the pictures. Jackie was surprised but Sam and her family were astonished. It appeared Jackie had a life threatening object in her stomach. Chapter3 Sam, Jackie’s Parents, and Jackie were devastated with the news. Jackie started to weep. The doctors said they could try to remove it but the procedure was very deadly. Jackie’s parents agreed to go through with it. It was the day of the operation, everyone was filled with nerves. Jackie was just about to be laid down for her medication when Sam came barging in. Sam said,” I just wanted to say good luck and I hope that you come out fine.” Jackie started to cry she said, “I can’t go through with this I don’t think I will make it!” Sam started to yell she was outraged, “You will make it, trust me I know you will!” The doctors told Sam she had to leave it was time to start. Chapter 4 The operation was 8 hours long. Sam and Jackie’s parents thought it was the longest 8 hours of their life. About 10 minutes after the operation was scheduled to end the doctors came out. Jackie’s parents started to weep with anxiety. Sam was to weak to walk up to the doctor so Jackie’s parents did. Sam tried to watch their expressions. It was hard to read their faces. All of a sudden Jackie’s parents started to cry harder than Sam had ever seen anyone cry. Sam gathered up enough strength to walk up to the doctors. Jackie’s mom said, “She should be fine, she made it!” Sam started to weep. Chapter 5 Sam and Jackie’s parents went into the hospital room. Jackie was sleeping. About 1 hour after they entered the room Jackie awoke. Sam said, “See I told you, you would make it.” Jackie smiled. For hours after the operation they talked and talked. They were so glad to have Jackie back. It was about 2 months after the operation and Jackie was doing well. She was able to leave the hospital 1 month ago. Jackie has been doing regular things and feeling well. Sam and Jackie’s Parents are so grateful to have Jackie in their lives. The sad part is that Jackie will never be able to have children now. It appeared that she had a major allergic reaction to the sesame seeds. Sam told Jackie about it and Jackie understood that Sam did not know that it would be that bad and that she didn’t know that Jackie would have a reaction. Jackie and Sam remained friends. Sam relized how cruel that was and was so happy that she was here with them now

Edited by Zoe R, BFIS 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? WOW, This is a very original story, I think the plot was very original, and I can tell that you are a good writter, but it needs a little work. First of all, you switch from past tense to present tense a lot, so it is a little hard to understand what is going on. Second of all, there are some spelling mistakes throughout the story, so sometimes it is a bit confusing. Last of all, the plot is a little dull, try to use more interesting vocabulary, and funnier phrases.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? The problem in the story is big, and different, but I think maybe you could describe, in more detail, exactly what it felt like to have a watermelon in your stomach. The resolution might be changed, though. I really liked the last line of your story because it was very suspensful, but the other parts of the resolution are a little dull, you should use dialog, and exclamations to make it more interesting

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? I think you should explain how the characters look, and feel a little bit more, so when people read it, they can really picture the characters in their mind.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? You should show exactly where the characters are, and how they react to the problem in a little more detail. I don't feel like I'm really in the stroy, but with a little work, I can tell I will understand the story a lot more.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? The plot is very different, and fun, but you should really strech the details more, then the readers will get a lot more information out of the novel.