TM-Toby

Hi my name is Toby Jon Esposito and probably the most obvious thing about me is that I love birds. I also love the sport soccer and I hope that Italy wins 2010 world cup like 2006. I live in Atkinson New Hampshire witch is Northeast in USA. I’m Italian and Portuguese I’ve traveled to Italy many times also England [Italy is way better] and I hope to visit Portugal. I am trying to learn Italian currently and hope to learn Portuguese after. I want to learn Italian so that the next time I go to Italy I will understand more of what people are saying. I’m on track and I am trying out for sprinting but I would prefer high jump.

Hello Toby, I am one of you´re poartners ads you may know you have me and Sandra a very calm girl and nice one too. I am also a little bit italian. Chioa Bella and gato is one of the words i use mostly. I am mostly american anf french. I like to write scary stories sometime the stories I write even freak me out when i rite them. I cannot wait to meet youre brain whell youre stories.

Got to go. Ciao Chloé

The Hanging Turtle PT 1 . One hot summer day turtle came out of the water and saw a bird flying above him. Turtle always wished he could fly. Lucky for turtle his day would come soon. Later that day turtle was sun bathing while a small meteor hit turtle. Turtle was strangely lofted in the air to his amaze then he fell. Never had this happened to him before. Turtle tried to float again and sure enough he was up in the air flying. Unfortunately he wasn’t used to flying yet and hit a tree. Then the monkeys kidnap the turtle and hung him on the tree. When people walked they said “a hanging turtle”. Then one guy helped turtle down then the fishes scared the guy away so turtle could escape. And as soon as possible he ran not very far though. But when turtle got away he began focusing on flying and he quickly got in air and back on the ground then said 10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1.. Lift off. He flew outrage sly fast in a blur practically. Once again he couldn’t control his flight and... The evil monkeys came to take turtle to there master. But to get there they needed to drag turtle //**__ up the tree __**//. //**__ Then the monkey master called Banamastier. __**// Came out to see turtle and shouted an order to his monkeys in a foreign language that he did not understand. The monkeys threw turtle in a pot, but just then the flying fish Green Berets began to fight off the monkeys.

The monkeys and fish fought without halt and many were lost. But in the end the fish won. And as soon as the battle was over king salmon took turtle back to the pond to recover from his adventure. and that was the end of his adventure for now.

hi this is maddy here i think your story would be a bit better if you got straight to the problem instead of going on ages about th turtle thats all i have to say kind regards MADDY

Hi this is me Chloé again,

I see you have a story so i would like to coment it :

And thats all. I really like youre story.
 * 1) the things that are underlined i do not understand at all.
 * 2) the second part of youre story does not really make sence.

regards chloe cheynet

P.S: please answer my questions. thanks.

be continued

** Questions for Peer Reviewers **
(Think in terms of questions you would like to ask the author.)

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I don't really like the setting becuase you don't really say but it's creative. If i were you i would tell the setting is in the rainforest or a pond or somewhere.

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? I would add more details to how the turtle dies and like make the turtle brave, strong or things that satisfy him becuase if he is the main character he has to be important.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? You describe the turtle good but you should add more, maybe add a little dialogue with the turtle and the monkey's.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you // see // and // hear // and // experience // the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? 5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? Toby most of youre story needs to change because you dont have a plot or a setting. Toby your story need more details and a little longer. Your story is a paraghraph long. You should also add a lot of explination of the characters. All of the story needs imporvement and most of it the beggining and the end. What suggestions do you have for the author? Like someone already said make it a lot longer a page maximum. I dont wanna be harsh. All of the red writing its from Carlota bfis

edited by maddison :hawkesdale colege

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? i think this story should be longer because it doesnt really have a decent problem or resolution and i feel it doesnt really get you into the story

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?you should add more complications because i dont think the story is really long

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?i think you should add more not to sound mean but it is a bit boring and it wouldnt be as bad if it was longer :)

edited by :chloe BFIS