BF-Oscar

Hi, I am Oscar Puignou. I live in Barcelona,Spain and I love soccer. Do you like soccer? My favorite season is summer because i love swimming on the sea. Normally, in soccer, I play as goaly. I love very hard music and i love to play videogames. I am a very fast kid. My favorite soccer team is Barca. I hope we have a great time talking to each other.

Oscar

P.S. Do you have skype? If so, we can talk to each other. I am oscarpuignou in my skype. Well See ya.

 =__**The New Pyramid**__=

One day, Jake Corman, Susan Dricks, and Ben Squizzle were watching TV, when suddenly, in the news, they said, “Today, in Egypt, the organization of mysteries found a pyramid called Burisa." Jake closed the TV and said, “Do you like adventures." "Yeah," said Ben and Susan. "Then, lets go see the pyramid's inside," said Jake. The three boys hurried to their houses to do the bags to go to Egypt. When they arrived to the airport, Jake felt that he was observed but he entered the airplane with his friends. When they were in the plain, they saw two men dressed all black. Ben did not notice because he was eating his fifth plate of meat and French fries. That is why Ben is so fat. When they arrived to Egypt, they saw the buried pyramid. Jake felt observed again. The three teenagers silently passed through the guards and entered the pyramid. Suddenly the two men in black, Danny Devil and Sam Noser, knocked out the guards and entered the pyramid. The three boys found two ways to go and they went to the left, but the two men in black went to the right. Suddenly, the boys fell in a tunnel. Their butts got moist and they got spider webs everywhere. Finally, they fell in the water where they saw some bubbles coming from the bottom. Susan screamed, “Crocodiles!" The three swam to the shore, but Ben’s pants were full of poo. Danny and Sam were walking when Sam stepped a stone and millions of shooting arrows flew from the walls. Danny ran until the end but Sam was at the floor like a baby. Sam got to the end and they kept walking. Then the boys got into a room with spikes on the ceiling. Jake said, “Don’t touch anything." Ben sat down on a rock. The doors closed and the ceiling lowered more and more. Ben ran in circles, but Susan went pushing the rocks with Jake. Ben said, “Jake, I was who braked your stuffed animal..." Finally Jake and Susan found a rock that moved. They pushed it until it passed through. The three passed but Ben got stuck. The spikes were stinging Ben's butt, but finally, they got out. Danny and Sam were walking down the stairs when Sam slipped and made to fall Danny. They rolled town the stairs. The three boys went up the stairs when the both villains bumped with Ben's belly. The three boys ran from them and finally, they lost them. They saw a door and the entered. There was a room with drawings on the walls that said in hieroglyphics, "If you enter my coffin you'll be turned in rock." The three boys went taking photographs everywhere and they got some precious jewelry. Danny and Sam knocked the door down and went for the coffin. They opened the coffin and in the coffin there was a very precious gold mask. They got it and ran to escape. When they got in a room, Danny and Sam got trapped in it. Green gas came from nowhere and it became to be...Burisanton! "How do you dare to open my life and get my precious mask!" said Burisanton. "Now you will be punished, and you'll be turned into rock! Ja, ja, ja..." They were turned into rock and no one knew more about him. Burisanton went to his never end sleep and went forever, until for now. The three teenagers got out with precious jewelry and lived happily ever after as the team of discoveries called, “The Burryz."

The End.

Add a different beginning, to catch the readers attention; also add more transition words. Maker more of a beginning not just go right to the adventure maybe describe how they were feeling and seeing ( setting ) and what they looked liek so i can picture something in my mind.

Taylor's answers =) This story was very good liked it add a little more like details 1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)? I think that it was a little bit boring but i still liked it. Maybe say a bit more about the 2 men dressed in black and how did you know that was there names? 2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed? Try making the story more appealing, to make the readers want to read more.

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions? The characters are life like and very interesting and creative.

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story? I could picture the story in my head so i guess i could exsperience the story.

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author? The part where they get to eygpt maybe desribe egypt more and explain the pyramaids more. desribe more about the people dressed in all black and make the descovery more interesting

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?

1. Think of plot—is it original? (If an adaptation, is it creative or interesting to you?) What suggestions do you have for the author(s)?

2. Think about problems that the characters face. Are there complications that add enough suspense, tension, or interest? Is there a climax that satisfies you? Is the resolution satisfying? What could be added or changed?

3. Think of characterization—are the characters life-like? Are characters likable and enjoyable? Do we get a good sense of character from many of these: description, dialogue, narrator's opinion, discussion from other characters, the character’s own actions?

4. Think of imagery and details. Do they help you //see// and //hear// and //experience// the story? What details would you like to see in the next revision of the story?

5. What areas of the story need the most improvement? What suggestions do you have for the author?